The Divorce Coach

Hiding Family Assets

Okay, most of us recognise that money is important. But splitting what there is in divorce (rather than what might be hidden) by considering and agreeing individual needs (rather than wants) better enables splitting couples to consider the other important things eg.

• Minimising the impact of any children to the marriage;
• Maintaining a cordial relationship between the divorcing parents which enables them to be effective and responsible parents post-divorce;
• Help both parties to draw a line under the relationship and move on.

I had the unpleasant experience recently of coming across a lawyer and 'divorce strategist for men' who promotes 'asset protection.' I fail to see how encouraging assets the hiding of family assets pre-divorce can do anything other than:

·        Lead more couples to court in an attempt to unlock these assets;

·        Waste family money in fighting about the finances;

·        Engender bitterness on the part of the person denied a share of the assets – usually the mother if there are children – which may adversely affect relationships between parents and children and which, at worst may:

·        Lead to parental alienation syndrome (where one parent turns the children against other.)

Of course, the person hiding family assets may consider the waste of family assets, (especially the fees paid by the ex-wife especially if she struggles to afford them) and broken relationships with children to be a small price to pay for hanging onto the assets they chose to hide away pre-divorce. And it may say much about the clients of such a lawyer.

For those people with litigious and/or cunning (ex) spouses who recognise a need for support in addition to that provided through the traditional routes of counsellor/family lawyer then our new range of services at www.itsmydivorce.co.uk launching in mid April may be of interest.

Seriously, who can really help with my divorce?

The Divorce Coach

The Divorce Coach helps divorcing people who can’t see how they can divorce. Our form of divorce help bridges the gap between expensive legal services and advice from friends. By using our services clients save emotional energy, time and money.

People who are looking for divorce help often feel discontent by the services available knowing they would like to take control themselves, rather than putting everything in the hands or their lawyer or (ex) partner.They know they’d like to think that they were making their own decisions, yet being properly helped on the legal, financial, emotional and practical fronts when necessary.
They’re not alone in looking for help through divorce and not readily finding it; in not knowing where to turn or who to ask for a second opinion.

Divorce Coaching can help them find the necessary balance between the divorce process and getting on with the rest of their life. We are divorce planning experts helping you to clarify the options available and make better choices. Click here to learn about the options available when planning for separation and divorce and how The Divorce Coach helps you to make your own decisions and look at all your options in divorce - after all, you know more about your own situation than anyone else.

Our cost-effective divorce help complements services available from other divorce professionals and we help you to achieve the best possible outcome. We encourage you to minimise litigation as far as possible, but we offer Courtroom Coaching to help you prepare for an appearance in court in order to achieve a best possible outcome.

You will see a best possible split and a successful start to a new life for yourself and your family can be within reach when you take a few minutes to browse our site and the help we offer: as well as 1:2:1 support we run divorce workshops with other professionals; an inexpensive eCourse, a FREE newsletter and links to some the best divorce help available. Click here to find out whether The Divorce Coach could help you.

Kirsten Gronning
The Divorce Coach

When Should I Divorce?

Should I stay or should I go?

Inexpensive help and answers to these and many other questions around divorce will be on the minds of people in very unhappy relationships now. Help can be found in The Divorce Coach eCourse How to Successfully Split.

'Is now a good time to divorce or should I wait until the beginning of 2008?'

'Is my marriage really over?'

'How can we afford to divorce?'

Whether you are still reading this for your own sake or on behalf of a friend whose marriage is in difficulty, these are three of the most difficult questions facing anyone in a crumbling relationship. The answers will be even more evasive if you have children together, or if are unable to communicate effectively with your spouse.

Our downloadable eCourse provides clarity, making divorce less difficult and more affordable. Readers - whether they are well down the divorce route or just thinking it might be a possibility, or even if they are curious or looking for some help for a friend - will be encouraged to think deeply about the issues which present themselves in serious marriage breakdown. The eCourse will provide many tools to help overcome the issues including tools to help readers help themselves answer the above questions.

Click here to learn how this inexpensive eCourse has helped divorcing men and women find answers to their divorce questions. It may not be what you need in your stocking but it will help you to feel better about your situation and what you can do to improve it.

Kirsten Gronning

The Divorce Coach

How Do I Get A Divorce?

Where do I find help and information to help with my divorce?

The Divorce Coach 'How to Successfully Split' eCourse helps to answer many of the questions which crop up in divorce: eg. is it really over; how do we split the finances; what are my options through divorce; can I cope alone?

The eCourse is sent over two weeks in seven parts to give you a chance to think about the content of each part before the next part arrives. You can of course work on it in one hit if you prefer after allowing for delivery in your in-box over two weeks. Whichever way you chose, the eCourse can help you gain control by enabling you to think around problems and issues so that you can move onwards and forwards if this is what you have to do and you are committed to the process.

The eCourse is written by Kirsten Gronning, founder of The Divorce Coach and stems from her own protracted divorce experience. Whilst she successfully divorced without paying lawyers a small fortune, she knows it's often easier said than done to get a successful split, especially if you are unfortunate in having a (ex) spouse bent on revenge, in denial or litigious (or a combination!) She walks her talk - testament to the fact that there really is life after divorce, but in order to find that new life you have to confront what is going on and deal with it, whilst aiming for the best possible ending.

Limited Offer - in response to subscribers requests, for the rest of November we are giving away free e-mail support for the duration of the course to help you make the best of the eCourse for your situation. After ordering, simply drop us an e-mail with your eCourse related query at info@divorcecoaching.co.uk and we shall get back to you within 24 hours with a helpful reply guaranteed to help you move forwards.

The Divorce Coach 'How to Successfully Split' eCourse £39 with FREE unlimited e-mail support for the duration of the eCourse is available to download here.

Life Beyond Divorce - Children & Divorce

‘Life Beyond Divorce: Creating the Best Life for Your Children’ by Jeni Hooper

We are delighted to have permission from Jeni Hooper, Child Psychologist and Parent Coach and founder of Happy2Learn www.happy2learn.co.uk to print her article ‘Life Beyond Divorce: Creating the Best Life for Your Children.’  Jeni writes:

Emotional highs and lows are to be expected. Adapting to life changes can’t be rushed but can be supported. Children do find the emotional highs and lows hard to understand without adult help. Think of emotion as a message. We can use this emotional feedback as a call to action to solve problems. Learn to ride the emotional roller coaster and know how to deal with strong and unwelcome feelings.

Children will cope with life’s setbacks when they feel truly loved by at least one person. When parents separate, children are aware, perhaps for the first time that love can end. This is very frightening. Children worry that their parents will stop loving them too, they need to hear repeatedly that this will not happen.

·         Let your child know why they are loveable. Saying I love you is great but telling them exactly how they are brilliant gives your child a real sense of who they are.

·         Give praise for effort as well as achievement. Children who are praised mainly for achievement can wonder if that is what is important to you.

·         Encourage your child to notice self improvement. Comparing what they can do today compared with last month gives a real sense of progress.

·         Let your child tell you what is loveable about you. Learning to both give and receive love is an important life skill.

Click here to read the full article.

Litigation or Resolution - your choice?

The choice ought to be yours, after all, the settlement you reach (or the judge reaches) will have a huge bearing on the rest of your life.

For those who can agree to stay out of court – read on. If you can’t stay out of court, or if you are being taken there by a partner - read my next blog on courtroom experiences.

Choosing Your Solicitor

If your lawyer is a trained mediator, a collaborative lawyer and a member of Resolution or all of these, then they will certainly run through the conflict resolution processes with you and answer your questions. And with NFM www.nfm.org.uk stating that 68% of clients reach agreement through mediation when discussing child issues only, and 80% of couples resolving  "all issues" (child/property/financial) isn't it worth that extra bit of emotional effort to at least try it mediation – or the other dispute resolution methods?

7 tips to reduce acrimony in your divorce

• Read as much as you can about the dispute resolution methods. Click and read www.resolution.org.uk before you see your lawyer. What will it take to work for you?

• Ask your lawyer any questions you have. If they don't answer them properly, are you with the right lawyer? What are they doing to keep your divorce out of the courts?

• If the main advantages of dispute resolution is a speedier and cheaper divorce which can focus on a fair solution for all the family, what will this really mean to you and your family, financially and emotionally? 

• What are the disadvantages? If you are unsure, should you seek a second opinion before discounting it?

• How might you convince your spouse of the benefits if they are not in agreement about the advantages of a conciliatory approach?

• Have you considered introducing other people to the process to make it easier on you and your family - e.g. financial advisers and a divorce coach to help you decide how to handle the emotional and financial issues e.g. how to calculate your net worth and how to tell the children?

• What might the effect be on the children of an adversarial approach? Might a non-adversarial route be possible to give you both as parents the best chance of maintaining a relationship post-divorce?

How Do I Know I Should Be Getting A Divorce?

7 Questions to Ask Pre-Divorce

Here are some excerpts I wrote for a series of film shot for VideoJug.com* earlier this year. VideoJug is every aspect of life explained and illustrated through an ever-growing number of helpful, informative and entertaining videos and I’m thrilled this is part of an ‘Experts’ section about divorce - click here to view.

For those readers who may be asking lots of questions which ideally need to be asked and answered pre-divorce but, in reality, often aren’t - here is a small selection from the film.

1. How do I know my marriage is over?

The main signs are Avoiding Communicating & Poor Communication

* Do you stay away from home to avoid contact?
* How do you feel when your partner is out of the home? Relieved?
* How do feel when they return - on edge?

According to Aquila  the Relationship Recovery experts a healthy interaction is 5 positive exchanges to one negative exchange.

2. My partner was unfaithful – should I get a divorce?

Could you forgive your partner – now or in the future? Could you trust them again?

* Do you need some help with this?
* There are relationship counsellors and coaches who can help you understand why you partner had an affair.
* If you can’t forgive them, could you live with your partner with this between you?

3. I was unfaithful – should I get a divorce?

Can you take responsibility for being unfaithful? Might you need some help with this?

* There are relationship counsellors and coaches who can help you understand why this happened
* What need wasn’t being met by your partner?
* Could your partner provide this need in the future?
* Have you asked for forgiveness?

4. We have nothing to say to each other – should I get a divorce?

How do you feel about this?

* Many couples live very different lives without having to be together or even communicate very much
* Do you share activities without actually needing to say very much?
* Some couples communicate through their children and friends. Do you want to communicate better with your spouse?
* If yes, what might you do to improve communication?

5. We don’t have sex anymore – should I get a divorce?

How important is sex to you?’

* Who is it a problem for?
* What needs to change in order for you to have a regular sex-life?
* If changes weren’t possible, how would you feel:
* one year down the line?
* Five years?

6. We argue constantly – should I get a divorce?

What are you arguing over – big things or trivial things?

* If it’s big things, what have you done, or what could you do, to turn them around so that they are not an issue between you?
* If you’re arguing over trivial things, ask why.
   
Is it to:
* score points
* because you are disappointed with your partner?

Before you get into an argument, ask yourself what you are getting out of it? Will it move you forwards?

7. What should I do to fix my marriage?

    What have you tried? Communicating with your spouse is a good place to start.

* If this is impossible, ask them if they would join you in some relationship counselling or coaching. Contact me for some links through my website www.divorcecoaching.co.uk

Aquila produce an excellent booklet entitled ‘Give up giving up’ available through their website at www.aquilatrust.org at little cost

• It stresses that both parties need to be willing to change to make reconciliation truly work

• Recognise that you can’t change the other person. If they are determined or resigned to divorce there is not a lot you can do to prevent it happening

* VideoJug.com -  www.videojug.com

VideoJug is highly watchable and what’s more, downright useful. Here’s an explanation from their site:

What can I watch on VideoJug?
VideoJug is every aspect of life explained and illustrated through an ever-growing number of helpful, informative and entertaining videos. It’s like having an army of top-class experts at your fingertips 24/7 to “show you how” and to help you out. And you can contribute your own knowledge, experience, wisdom and tips too. Covering relationships, health, lifestyle, work, finance, fun and much more, VideoJug is the complete visual guide to all human life. Whatever you want to know, VideoJug has the answer. It’s a new way for you to see, and understand, the world. It’s life explained, on film.

There’s a real mixture of content and acting ability – look at:
How To Bounce Back From A Bad First Impression and How To Admit You Were Wrong And Not Lose Face for a laugh.

There’s a lot of down-to-earth practical stuff eg. How To Maintain Your Mountain Bike For Peak Performance and How To Conceal Bags Under Your Eyes (sorry guys, needs make-up.)