The Divorce Coach

Preparing for court

"Preparing clients for court"

This was the title of an article in Resolution's "The Review" (family lawyers' magazine) July issue featuring a domestic violence case study and her lawyer.

The support services we offer at itsMYdivorce for people going to court are suitable for many highly emotional cases, including domestic violence cases.

The pilot study carried out by my colleague lawyer and mediator Shelagh Goldie last year featured two cases of marital domestic violence - the first an abused mother (and her son) in one study and an abused husband in another.

The former case is featured in this months July issue of the quarterly family lawyer's journal (Resolution's) The Review. Our client Catherine (name has been changed) got through what must be one of the most harrowing difficulties faced by a parent - proving abuse of their child by the other. The abuse she herself suffered became secondary. Her courage was amazing and is still being tested as her lawyers are seeking to make legal precedence with the case. You can read the article in pdf form here. The latter domestic violence case  - Julian's - is summarised here.

We firmly believe it was Catherines's courage and her ability to out the truth, drop any shame she may have felt and look and ask for the help she needed fast which helped her to convince the court of her case, with the help of her lawyers whom she had a lot of respect for.

Sadly, we suspect many people faced with similar challenges drown in despondency, not able to help themselves (let alone their children,) unable to speak about what is going on because of many factors which the counsellors amongst us will better identify. itsMYdivorce can't help in all these cases but if we can, we will do our very best. Please contact us, in confidence, to discuss how we can help.

Divorce Coaching – Finally Fulfilling an Unfulfilled Need

Divorcing people often need solutions fast - they may face losing their homes, their children, their spouses/partners and they may already have lost their jobs. Who can help them, fast? Lawyers help with the legal side, counsellors with the emotional side, but where do they find real solutions and answers fast to those questions like:

• Will she come back?
• Can I cope on my own?
• What do I tell the children?
• When do I tell my children’s schools?
• Might it mess up the children?
• What does the future hold?

In addition many couples are living very unhappily together under the same roof, but feel they can’t separate because of the well documented cost of litigation, or because they can’t see how they can afford to split.

Growing Through Divorce

Whilst divorce is undoubtedly miserable for those caught up in it, there are also those who did make the break successfully. They say things like ‘I should have done it years ago’ or ‘It was tough but I wouldn’t swap where I am now for where I was then for anything!’ These people have usually:

• Taken control again.
• Made a best possible split for themselves and their family.
• Gained greater self-esteem and confidence.
• Learnt to put the past behind them and move forwards.

As a result of the split they will often take time to understand themselves and their relationships better.

The majority of child psychologists agree it is not divorce per se that messes up children. It is how we handle it that really matters – and the fact is, we often don’t know how to handle it. Divorce professionals and people going through relationship breakdown are increasingly recognising that there is a huge disparity between the support divorcing people need and what they can find and as a result:

• People are increasingly saying they want and need cheaper ways to divorce and the demand for on-line divorce services reflects this demand, along with the first TV commercial for divorce services.
• People often leave it until it’s too late and then hire a lawyer to litigate through feelings of fear or revenge (often at huge cost).
• The word ‘divorce’ automatically spells doom and gloom - people go into it expecting a poor result and attract exactly that.

How does a Divorce Coach make a Difference?

Divorce lawyers are recognising that they aren’t necessarily the best people to deal with all aspects of divorce and that there are advantages for them and their clients if they concentrate on the legal side and leave others professionals, including coaches, to manage the ‘emotional divorce’, the ‘practical divorce’ and the non-legal issues around the children and the finances.

Divorce coaches can’t wave magic wands but can provide emotional support and a safe place to offload their worries, enabling them to progress faster through the process and get on with life. There are coaches who support people before break-up, through break-up and post divorce, people:

• In desperately unhappy marriages considering how to achieve a best possible split;
• Being divorced and wondering how they’ll cope on their own;
• Driving the divorce, looking for resources and support to help them see what’s right for them and their situation;
• Coming to the end of a divorce and wondering how best to forge a new life and in need of help to do so.

Services include 1:2:1 coaching and mentoring; downloadable eCourses; workshops; tele-classes and support forums designed to help people to:

• Find clarity in marital muddles.
• Learn practical solutions to obtain the best possible split.
• Share ideas and solutions with experts and others who understand.
• Learn new strategies for coping through separation and divorce.
• Be signposted to other sources of help e.g. legal, financial.

Testimonials and the growing support from both clients and increasingly other divorce professionals including lawyers confirm this is a much-needed service and one which complements the traditional help available.

Incidentally, couples don’t have to be married – the main issues troubling them will be similar whether they are married or not.

The Author

- Kirsten Gronning is founder of The Divorce Coach and a life and executive coach living in

Richmond

. Her expertise comes from having to meet her own unusually challenging needs through a litigious divorce and she specialises in creating the services people need to save time, stress and money through divorce.

www.divorcecoaching.co.uk

This article first appeared on the MarketingHelpForCoaches website Feb 2008

Children and Divorce – Helping children adjust to a new life

At our 'How to successfully split' divorce workshop on 23 February Jeni Hooper, www.happy2learn.co.uk child psychologist and coach helped us to understand about stages in the divorce process of adjustment from shock and disbelief, to sorrow and despair, through anger and acceptance for children in divorce.

Jeni said that children in divorce don’t always understand what has happened and won’t be helped by knowing the full details of what went on between their parents. As a result they can harbour some unhelpful beliefs because they genuinely don’t know why their life as changed and may blame themselves.

According to Jeni, children in divorce may hold these beliefs:

*         Is it my fault?
*         Will things get better if I’m good?
*         Do mum and dad still love me?
*         Will (mum/dad) still want to see me?
*         Will my live in parent leave me too?
*         We won’t ever have a nice life again.
*         I need to make mum/dad feel better.
*         Other children will think my family is not as good as theirs and won’t play/visit me.

And to conclude her very interesting presentation, Jeni assured us that children in divorce are hugely resilient and capable and that making a good life for our children requires optimism and determination.

This is a message I fully endorse as I look at my own children and fervently hope that they will develop into the adult children of divorced parents who have blossomed into mature, resilient, responsible, focused adults – because of, not despite of, painful divorce experiences. Studies have shown this can very often be the case even though they generally feel they are scarred by the experience.

Jeni recommends aiming for these key areas when considering divorce and children and making a new life:

*         Communication – keep talking about what you all want and how to make it happen.
*         Learn to manage feelings – work out how you can all help when someone is upset or angry. Or ask for help outside the family.
*         Absent parent - whatever the state of your relationship with your ex (absent parent), your children’s relationship needs support to be as good as it can be. My feedback from clients who have got through to the other side report that the success at keeping the relationship going between their children and the absent parent going, despite many real problems, was worth it as both parents and the children adjusted to their new lives, however hard, but still kept that essential contact on-going.
*         Planning your future – have a vision of the future and make small steps which make all of you feel good.

Jeni can be contacted at Happy2learn and has a free newsletter you can subscribe to and learn more.

Can Mistresses Save Marriages?

Talking London on ITV Tuesday 29 January Can Mistresses Save Marriages?

This was the subject of a fiery debate on ITV last night and I was invited to talk about it on the programme. The mistresses on the programme put forward their own very personal stories on how adulterous affairs  - in some cases over very many years - have suited not only them and their adulterous partner but also the partner's family in that it kept the family together when they might otherwise have split.

We also heard from representatives from the growing number of websites and other services which make it easy for people to meet unmet needs (or whatever else drives people to seek out illicit encounters) outside marriage and they put forward their view that their services can help marriages. The people, understandably, who were totally against the notion that affairs could save marriages were those who had personal experience of being the one cheated upon. For example, Ann Jones founder of Desertion Survivors knows what it's like to be cheated on and fears for the effect this has on children of the marriage and she was totally supported in her view by Vanessa Feltz.

Affairs represent an end to most marriages because to conduct them requires deceit and the level of forgiveness needed to reconcile simply isn't possible once discovered.  When affairs become a habit, then it's often because the person conducting the affair can't face up to endings - they are unable to finish the marriage and instead find it more comfortable to move on into the next relationship and let someone else pick up the pieces.  This is often a behaviour learned from early childhood perhaps and is repeated in many areas of life, not just in relationships.

‘Raising Happy Children for Dummies’

Sue Atkins author of the book ‘Raising Happy Children for Dummies’ and founder of Positive Parents writes in her book:

A bad marriage can make parenting – and life in general – stressful. The loss of the family structure can be very upsetting and distressing for everyone involved in the major change.

Despite divorce being on the increase around the world, parents often feel at a loss when searching for practical support. They also feel overwhelmed, confused, afraid, resentful, or completely frozen in panic about how to handle the changes in their family’s way of life.

Sometimes this fear manifests itself as animosity, which turns the whole divorce process into a battle, with children trapped in the middle and feeling powerless.

Divorce needn’t be like this. Parents can make positive, healthy choices during this very emotional time and make the transition less painful for everyone.

Divorce isn’t about winners and losers. It’s about working out a way to handle the separation with dignity and compassion and minimising the disruption to your children emotionally.

Sue’s section ‘Navigating Through Divorce’ in her book offers numerous approaches and strategies for making the experience of divorce as positive and healthy as possible. We have reproduced it with Sue’s kind permission as an article on our website here called ‘Raising Happy Children for Dummies’ – Coping with Divorce.

To read the full 'Early November' Newsletter please click here

How Will I Benefit From Divorce Coaching?

Who benefits from divorce coaching and why?

Divorce coaching best suits people who need to take control and make their own decisions for themselves and their family, but who need some support to do so. It’s a process which gets to the underlying problems of relationship breakdown and is more effective than the other side of the coin - litigation – which costs money and often causes irreparable rifts in relationships.

After my last blog post a reader wrote and asked exactly how our services would save her money. I replied that she would save money and time, because she would  be better prepared and use her lawyer less (our services being cheaper than her lawyer's.)

This is a summary of what I wrote:

And the advantages if you were to use our divorce coaching services: 

·        You would be supported by your lawyer for the legal process, freeing them from the emotional and practical side, leaving them free to focus on the legal side

·        By being supported by The Divorce Coach for the non-legal aspects, you will be able to focus better on what it is they need to do and save time and money agonising over choice

·        By asking the right questions and providing the correct information to their solicitor, you are more likely to make more efficient and better decisions which may lead to lower solicitor's fees

·        you may be able to avoid costly legal proceedings because you will have a better understanding of what is happening on all fronts e.g. emotional obstacles such as coming to terms with sadness and dealing with guilt

·        You can be 'signposted' efficiently to other specialist areas of help, if required without having to spend hours chasing information and resources

Other advantages of using our divorce coaching services

·        The Divorce Coach reinforces the message that the children’s interests are paramount and works with your lawyer to aim for a best possible outcome for you and any children you may have

·        We support resolution methods e.g. family mediation (generally recognized as being the most efficient and cost-effective way of divorcing) and collaborative law, which supports you both in staying out of court

·        The Divorce Coach will encourage better communication with (ex) partners as much as possible and help you to understand any anger and frustration, leading to quicker resolving of problems over negotiation

·        By being helped to see things which you often can’t see yourself becasue of the emotional fallout of marital muddles, you'll be better able to overcome ‘blocks’ which hinder progress and cost money

·        By reducing your fear (perfectly natural to feel, we all do) and enabling you to move forward faster, you'll remain more in control

·        You'll have more confidence – important for building a new life

What makes us different?

The support we offer is both practical and emotional: how to collect up all the threads of a marriage breakdown, tie them altogether and move on - finding a balance between the divorce process and getting on with life. Read more about our services here and on Woolley & Co solicitors' Divorce Law Firm website here.

'Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes.'

If, like me ,you like inspirational quotes - a few words which encompass something you've been trying to get your head around for months -then google 'Zig Ziglar' and you won't be disappointed. The heading above came from him, and I was reminded of it recently.

I took the chance to take the holiday(s) I haven't taken for a year, not really knowing how my business would survive whilst I took time off. In the end I had to take the view that if I didn't take time off, I'd soon be hopeless to my clients so I went, leaving my Virtual Assistant (VA) in charge.

She chased up contracts, fielded new enquiries, and took care of prospective clients whilst I didn't once feel the need to reach for an internet connection.

What is a virtual assistant? What might a VA do for you? If mine's anything to go on, (and being multi-lingual she proably isn't but she's happy not to use all her many skills at the same time!) then she can answer calls, keep the diary and emails, chase contracts, assure your network that you're not ignoring them - and most importantly, give you piece of mind that you're not missing that all important lead. 

If you have any questions about how a VA can enable you to take that much needed break ask Lea Wray at www.virtual-oms.co.uk

I came back to my first corporate contract, leads in a new coaching venture reaching fruition , some great publicity in the offing and no problems (okay, many of my clients were away too but it wasn't just luck.)

I've returned focused and ready to hit the ground running for what looks like a very busy autumn. More tomorrow.

Here's my favourite quote (ZZ again):

'Positive Thinking Will Let You Do Everything Better Than Negative Thinking Will'

A Tip: Remind yourself of this every time you go into negative mode, it works!

Divorce & Relationships - You Choose

Become The Chooser in Relationships - Don't Settle For Anything Less

Firstly thanks to Trisha Stone, The Singles Coach for her material here. Trisha's article 'The 5 R's For Successful Relationships' is available as a free download from The Single's Coach website.

Join Trisha next Monday eve for another free tele-seminar 'Are You Ready For Love' from the comfort of your sofa - see details at the bottom of this page.

Some questions for you:

• What do you need to change?
• What do you need to review and, above all
• What can you learn that will make the difference in dating and finding the perfect partner?'

As these questions resonate with many of my friends, let alone my 'Become Your Own Divorce Coach' subscribers, I hope that whether you're male or female, you'll find something of interest here.

The First 'R' - Repeat

You might think that REPEAT is a strange place to start. What REPEAT stands for is repeating patterns. You may be conscious or still unconscious about being someone who has had repeated patterns in their relationships.   Don't worry - most of us do this, but until we become aware of what we have been doing we cannot move on.   

In this section the questions I am frequently asked relating to repeating patterns are addressed.

'I keep dating the wrong kind of man for me'

'I get stuck in relationships that are not right for me'

'I am scared of repeating the problem relationships of the past'

There are Dating Traps but the good news is that these are things you can stop doing.   You are the sum of your past experiences and these are useful indicators of what you may or may not want in any future relationship. The first step is about becoming conscious or more fully conscious about what these patterns are and how to start relationships from a different place in the future.

The Second 'R' - Ready

'I lack the confidence to date and find a relationship'

'I am single again and don't know how to go about dating'

'I don't know if there is such a person as a soul mate'

You may think you are READY because you want to be in a relationship but there are often a number of uncertainties or un-resolved areas that need attention.    This may be why you find yourself in a place of indecision which can be dominated by lack of confidence, fear and doubts.

These are some of the areas that can impede your progress towards finding an ideal partner. Some ways in which these issues come up are in the questions in this section. Becoming READY is about recognising what is going on for you. When you know what your situation really is you can then get into action to up your READINESS quotient. When this is handled, and you know what you need to do, your life can get moving without obstacles.

The Third 'R' - Require

Most people drift into relationships without really knowing what is going on.   You would not allow yourself to drift into a job or a financial commitment without thorough research beforehand.

'My body clock is running and I don't have a partner'

'I used to think I knew what I wanted in a partner but it's getting harder to believe it will really happen'

'I am finding dating an emotional roller coaster'

Requirements, needs and wants are the foundation of all the conscious choices you can make in a relationship.   Become clear about these and you know what relationship path you are on.

Dating Skills - flatten out the rollercoaster ride early on by learning to scout, screen and test relationships and not wasting precious time with partners who will not meet your requirements.

The Fourth 'R' - Review

'I want to be in a relationship but fear losing my independence'

'I am so busy that there is little time to date and find a relationship'

'I think maybe I am too choosy and that's why I am still alone'

REVIEW your life to date and you can look at all the elements you want to preserve and the parts you want to lose in the future.   Some women worry about losing their independence.   If you have done your requirements work successfully you will know how independence can fit in with any relationship you choose. Too busy? - your whole life could pass by like that.

Choosing is something that you can become an expert in.  Often we don't choose - we rely on all those hormones and think that that is all there is to relationships.   Yes, attraction is part of the picture but not the whole. Learn how to become "The Chooser" in all parts of your life.

The Fifth 'R' - Revise

'My life is humdrum, I'm even bored with myself'

'I don't know what I want in the second half of my life'

'I have been around the singles scene for a long time and am getting nowhere with finding a partner'

Somebody said that life unfurls itself. You can become much more effective in every area of your life if you have a VISION that you aspire to. Some of you may have started out with a vision but along the way it either got lost or tarnished in some way. In order to decide in what direction you wish your life and relationships to proceed, you need to build a vision of that life and relationship.

Once you have your vision in place, then you can set about making some GOALS for yourself. These goals are your milestones along the way. They can be small or large signposts that your life is on course. Particularly if you feel your life lacks lustre, you have come to a cross roads, or you find yourself stuck in the same place; learning to set yourself goals moves you forward.

Above all, our relationships need to fit into your whole love/life balance.   This is your whole life picture in which everything has its place and sits comfortably with the other parts. Creating your unique RELATIONSHIP PLAN is the map for your successful relationship and life journey.

To receive The Singles Coach FREE 18 page report, which outlines the essential information you can use to find your perfect partner, or the newsletter click on the home page here:

For men, this month's newsletter feature article is: MEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TOO! 

Read the newsletter to read Tricia's insights into men's issues around relationships. Click on the link on the homepage above to sign up to the newsletter and explore further.

And for those who want to take it further, Trisha runs tele-workshops and a free-teleclass on the 3rd Monday of every month at 8pm:

Monday 16th July                   Are You Ready for Love?
Monday 20th August             10 Steps to Finding Your Soulmate
Monday 17th September      The 14 Dating Traps

I really need to learn this stuff - 'see you' there. :)