Grateful thanks to Hille Marshall, author of The Good Dating Guide for the material here which continues the popular dating theme - visited in a previous blog - with material from Trisha Stone, the Singles Coach.
Starting All Over Again
You're older, wiser and possibly wealthier so theoretically life should be a lot easier, but whether through divorce, separation, bereavement or re-location you find yourself on your own and needing to build a new social life. Well don't imagine you are too rusty to start the cogs spinning smoothly again: all you need is a plan of action to start that phone ringing.
Mrs Jensen wrote to me: 'I am 45 years old with two children aged 12 and 10, and after twenty years of marriage I am going through a divorce - my husband left me for a younger woman. I feel such a failure, I can't face my friends, I've lost all my self confidence and I'm finding it difficult to cope with my children. I am scared I will never meet anyone else again to share my life with, and I am getting more and more depressed. What's the answer?'
Suffering a broken relationship does not mean that you are a failure. I firmly believe that everything happens for a purpose. For example, although things did not work out with your partner you may be destined to meet someone else with whom you will be far happier. If you can learn to treat every set back as a useful learning process, this will enrich you as a person and increase your chances of success with whomsoever life has destined for you.
PLAN OF ACTION
* Build your confidence
* Get to know yourself
* Change your attitudes
* Get into shape
* Throw yourself into life ASAP
Confidence building
A person's appeal to another comes from within and an optimistic, youthful enquiring mind and a happy, carefree disposition will be strong competition for just youthful looks. You deserve to be loved and treated well because you are you and should never settle for anything less. Recognise your achievements and plus points by writing them all down. If you give yourself enough time to think of everything you will be surprised how impressive that list looks.
Always try to think and say positive things about yourself, and always talk positively about others. We all have insecurities but some of us are more adept at hiding them than others. Put on a brave face, look happy and act out a confident role. You will find in no time at all that your act soon becomes a reality.
Getting to know yourself
Chances are that you have been so wrapped up in thinking about other people's needs that you have forgotten your own. Learn to be your own person again - this is an exciting time for you - a voyage of re-discovery!
List on paper everything you have ever enjoyed - games, hobbies, work, activities, people and places. Having made this list, make another about what you have always wanted to do and where you have always wanted to visit. Armed with these two you should have a better self-portrait of yourself than before.
Changing your attitudes
You can change yourself and your attitudes. If your life so far has not gone the way you would have wished, now is an ideal time for change. Don't be world weary and think I can't go through all this again. Of course you can! Life is an adventure that should be embraced, setbacks and all. Have the courage to do or say whatever you like, providing you don't upset anyone in the process, and don't be afraid of what others may think of you. Love and respect yourself and you will find that others will mirror your opinion. Throw away those mental checklists about your dream mate and be more open minded.
Getting yourself into shape
The most important thing to achieve is a healthy active body that you feel comfortable with. Ideally exercise three times a week perhaps in the gym, swimming pool, playing a sport or jogging. Also train yourself to eat a more healthy diet of fresh foods, cut down on the alcohol intake, stop smoking and get enough sleep. Consider changing your image to perk your spirits up. A new hairstyle or wardrobe will often do wonders for your self-image and confidence.
Throw yourself into life ASAP
Mrs Eckleston wrote to me: 'My husband and I are getting divorced.I know we are doing the right thing because we have been unhappy for many years and our marriage was destroying us. However I never realised how alone I would feel as a single woman. My married female friends view me as a predator and imagine I am trying to steal their husbands. As for the husbands - some have already propositioned me, seeing me as easy game, desperate for sex at any cost. Nothing is further from my mind. I just need friends. I feel wretched, what can I do?'
Go to places where single people frequent. Most people will participate in some leisure activity whether it is physical or mental. Your local leisure centre serves two purposes: it is an extremely good place to meet other single people, and you will get trim, fit and healthy in the process. Who else but single people would have so much time to devote to thrashing their bodies in the gym, swimming pool, squash court etc.? Also many sports and health clubs arrange social activities, such as parties, walks, tournaments, games or holidays for their members.
Cunning tacticians could take up a sport traditionally dominated by the opposite sex. Men could be surrounded by lycra-clad women if they take up aerobics and women might try fly-fishing or joining in a clay pigeon shoot.
Visit a Health Farm, which also provides social and sports activities as well as licking you into shape.
Classes and Societies
Learning a new skill, subject or language at an evening class is another way of meeting like-minded people. Societies, such as amateur dramatic societies, can be a great source of fun and a good place to make new friends. You are united in the common cause of putting on the production, and will be spending a lot of time together especially in the final stages.
If you are interested in stamp collecting, bee keeping, or anything else, I suggest you enquire at your local library or look in the local paper. Men might do well joining a cooking class, and women -a car maintenance class. Dance classes are particularly popular at present for all ages. Salsa, (** men see below) Ceroc and ballroom dancing classes are great for meeting other singles in a fun, informal environment. What's more, they are surprisingly cheap andso popular that some are bound to be held in your area.
Holidays
People on holiday are much more at ease, carefree, and open to suggestions than they might be in a normal social circumstance. You can look in the newspaper or ask your local travel agent for singles package holidays or resorts that mainly cater for single people both at home and abroad.
Agencies/Adverts
Clubs, pubs and wine bars are usually frequented by people just wanting a fun night out, not necessarily looking for a relationship. So if you're not sporty or interested in joining evening classes or societies consider enlisting the help of a Dating Agency or Dining and Social Events Club. The reputable ones will have screened their clients to make sure they are single and everything they purport to be and hopefully introduce you to unattached people with similar interests and of an age you want to meet.
A Dating Agency arranges dates on a one to one basis. At Drawing Down the Moon Tel: 020 7937 6263 you either pick your own date in their office from profiles and photos of their carefully interviewed clients or if you prefer they will choose for you. With Dateline Tel: 0870 0766262 you fill in a comprehensive form about yourself and the computer matches you up with other like-minded members and forwards their details. Among National agencies are Country Partners Tel: 01989 566757 and Farmers and County Bureau Tel: 01629 636281.
A Social Events and Holiday Club such as Dinner Dates Tel: 020 8741 1252 believes that dating is a numbers game - the more people you meet, the more chance you have of meeting others you would like to spend time with. You are introduced to large groups of unattached people at dinner parties, balls, buffets and sporting events, widening your circle of friends of both sexes and helping you regain your social skills and confidence as a single person once more.
You can also place an advert in many newspapers and magazines under the personal column section and use one of their box numbers. However do be careful. We can all be taken in if we feel at a low ebb. An intermediary has not vetted your Date so always meet in a public place and listen to your inner instincts.
Conclusion
There are many plus sides to starting all over again. For example you may well have been locked into an unhappy relationship but now you are a free agent, able to exercise your imagination to make a wish list - and enough determination to make those wishes come true. If you only achieve half of your wishes you will be 100% better off than before.
©2007 Hille Marshall
Hillie Marshall is author of 'The Good Dating Guide' and Managing Director of Dinner Dates www.dinnerdates.com
**A personal note for male readers - At my salsa class (in SW London, but I bet it's a similar situation in dance classes elsewhere) the women outnumber the men by at least 2 to 1. If you enjoy dancing, and want to have some fun, don't worry if you haven't danced for ages - everybody's in the same boat. Just go along prepared to have fun and I guarantee you will have no shortage of partners!
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©2007 Kirsten Gronning
