The Divorce Coach

Hiding Family Assets

Okay, most of us recognise that money is important. But splitting what there is in divorce (rather than what might be hidden) by considering and agreeing individual needs (rather than wants) better enables splitting couples to consider the other important things eg.

• Minimising the impact of any children to the marriage;
• Maintaining a cordial relationship between the divorcing parents which enables them to be effective and responsible parents post-divorce;
• Help both parties to draw a line under the relationship and move on.

I had the unpleasant experience recently of coming across a lawyer and 'divorce strategist for men' who promotes 'asset protection.' I fail to see how encouraging assets the hiding of family assets pre-divorce can do anything other than:

·        Lead more couples to court in an attempt to unlock these assets;

·        Waste family money in fighting about the finances;

·        Engender bitterness on the part of the person denied a share of the assets – usually the mother if there are children – which may adversely affect relationships between parents and children and which, at worst may:

·        Lead to parental alienation syndrome (where one parent turns the children against other.)

Of course, the person hiding family assets may consider the waste of family assets, (especially the fees paid by the ex-wife especially if she struggles to afford them) and broken relationships with children to be a small price to pay for hanging onto the assets they chose to hide away pre-divorce. And it may say much about the clients of such a lawyer.

For those people with litigious and/or cunning (ex) spouses who recognise a need for support in addition to that provided through the traditional routes of counsellor/family lawyer then our new range of services at www.itsmydivorce.co.uk launching in mid April may be of interest.

‘Do I actually need a family lawyer?’

I don’t actually get asked this question very often, because most people initially approach separation and divorce thinking they must have a lawyer. But over the past couple of months I’ve come across clients who have appointed lawyers and probably, in my view, not needed to. That’s not to say they don’t need a family lawyer and legal advice – it’s almost always in their best interests to get legal advice as to their rights and their situation especially where there are joint children and assets. But many people think they have to appoint a lawyer and are not aware of the alternatives - and sadly, often aren't made aware of them by their family lawyers.

Conversely, I’ve spoken to people who have deliberately avoided seeking legal advice, but whom I felt needed to. When they did, they agreed it could have cost them dear not to have done!

In many circumstances a couple of hours of early legal advice, an enquiring mind, a (relatively) co-operative spouse and mutual agreement to work it out themselves – perhaps with a child or financial mediator – could save them £000s. They will almost certainly need a lawyer to check the agreement over at the end and often whilst the agreement is being drawn up - this is taking legal advice when necessary, and is not the same as appointing a solicitor.

Appointing the wrong lawyer - especially if combined with ill-founded expectations of what they and the law can do for them - is a recipe for an alarming escalation of costs, especially if their spouse and their solicitor respond in the same manner.

The costs speak for themselves - a solution found through mediation is likely to be less than £1000, (plus any legal advice) whilst I hear of litigious divorces costing up to £100K. Next week, if the cost of McCartney Mills settlement is made public, this figure will look very, very cheap.

I’ve written before about the conciliation vs. litigation question and since then I've tried to establish the average cost of divorce, only to come up with:

* How long is a piece of string?
* Divorce in London can be double the cost of outside London. 

This is not very helpful. In my view, divorcing people badly need to see the divorce process move from the adversarial ‘norm’ (though there will always be those who will only reach 'agreement' when they get a court order from the judge at the end of a long court process) to encouraging and promoting conflict resolution methods. Having said that, the less adversarial lawyers are moving away from fuelling the 'the only winners are the lawyers' type comments and giving divorcing people more of what they need, i.e.

* help in working out their own solutions;
* encouraging them to look at what they need to survive and how their personal situation might achieve that.

I would also add to that list, help with:

* dealing with their fears, their losses, their guilt;
* encouraging more effective communication;
* learning to let go;
* embracing change;
* building confidence in their own abilities.

I'm convinced that their legal training doesn't equip them to do this - and that this support needs to come from family and financial mediators and from coaches, especially divorce and parent coaches, life coaches and counsellors.

I’ll be writing more about this in the months to come as we launch an innovative range of new services with other professionals (and a new website) designed to help people understand the divorce process, what they can expect from it and how to best survive it eg.

• New branches of The One-Stop Divorce Workshop;
• Services around preparing emotionally and practically for court, including McKenzie Friend support for litigants in person;
• Emotional and practical divorce help from the family divorce consultants at www.itsmydivorce.co.uk

Children and Divorce – Helping children adjust to a new life

At our 'How to successfully split' divorce workshop on 23 February Jeni Hooper, www.happy2learn.co.uk child psychologist and coach helped us to understand about stages in the divorce process of adjustment from shock and disbelief, to sorrow and despair, through anger and acceptance for children in divorce.

Jeni said that children in divorce don’t always understand what has happened and won’t be helped by knowing the full details of what went on between their parents. As a result they can harbour some unhelpful beliefs because they genuinely don’t know why their life as changed and may blame themselves.

According to Jeni, children in divorce may hold these beliefs:

*         Is it my fault?
*         Will things get better if I’m good?
*         Do mum and dad still love me?
*         Will (mum/dad) still want to see me?
*         Will my live in parent leave me too?
*         We won’t ever have a nice life again.
*         I need to make mum/dad feel better.
*         Other children will think my family is not as good as theirs and won’t play/visit me.

And to conclude her very interesting presentation, Jeni assured us that children in divorce are hugely resilient and capable and that making a good life for our children requires optimism and determination.

This is a message I fully endorse as I look at my own children and fervently hope that they will develop into the adult children of divorced parents who have blossomed into mature, resilient, responsible, focused adults – because of, not despite of, painful divorce experiences. Studies have shown this can very often be the case even though they generally feel they are scarred by the experience.

Jeni recommends aiming for these key areas when considering divorce and children and making a new life:

*         Communication – keep talking about what you all want and how to make it happen.
*         Learn to manage feelings – work out how you can all help when someone is upset or angry. Or ask for help outside the family.
*         Absent parent - whatever the state of your relationship with your ex (absent parent), your children’s relationship needs support to be as good as it can be. My feedback from clients who have got through to the other side report that the success at keeping the relationship going between their children and the absent parent going, despite many real problems, was worth it as both parents and the children adjusted to their new lives, however hard, but still kept that essential contact on-going.
*         Planning your future – have a vision of the future and make small steps which make all of you feel good.

Jeni can be contacted at Happy2learn and has a free newsletter you can subscribe to and learn more.