The Divorce Coach

Can Mistresses Save Marriages?

Talking London on ITV Tuesday 29 January Can Mistresses Save Marriages?

This was the subject of a fiery debate on ITV last night and I was invited to talk about it on the programme. The mistresses on the programme put forward their own very personal stories on how adulterous affairs  - in some cases over very many years - have suited not only them and their adulterous partner but also the partner's family in that it kept the family together when they might otherwise have split.

We also heard from representatives from the growing number of websites and other services which make it easy for people to meet unmet needs (or whatever else drives people to seek out illicit encounters) outside marriage and they put forward their view that their services can help marriages. The people, understandably, who were totally against the notion that affairs could save marriages were those who had personal experience of being the one cheated upon. For example, Ann Jones founder of Desertion Survivors knows what it's like to be cheated on and fears for the effect this has on children of the marriage and she was totally supported in her view by Vanessa Feltz.

Affairs represent an end to most marriages because to conduct them requires deceit and the level of forgiveness needed to reconcile simply isn't possible once discovered.  When affairs become a habit, then it's often because the person conducting the affair can't face up to endings - they are unable to finish the marriage and instead find it more comfortable to move on into the next relationship and let someone else pick up the pieces.  This is often a behaviour learned from early childhood perhaps and is repeated in many areas of life, not just in relationships.

More Financial Divorce Help - in Wimbledon

Back to the drawing board to re-schedule more The response to last Saturday's 'How to successfully split the Finances' workshop in Hampton was fantastic and we received lots of very positive feedback and ideas of how we can make it even better. More here.

We're going to run this finances in divorce workshop in Wimbledon, SW19 (as well as Hampton on 23 Feb) starting late March. If you are interested in the divorce workshop concept, either to learn yourself or on behalf of a friend or a client going through or facing divorce, then do get in touch with me at kirsten@divorcecoaching.co.uk or call 0208 123 9046.

Kirsten Gronning

Enabling divorcing people to make best possible decisions

I Ask Why?

I ask why, but the fog is too thick to see clearly.

I become anxious and panicky and then I am numb, without feelings.

I need more insight, but I want to be insensitive and totally unaware.

I eat like a horse but I have no appetite.

I can’t sleep, but I escape with sleep.

I react to nothing and then I overreact to everything.

I sit at home daydreaming and yet I wish I was busy doing something.

I hate being lonely and alone yet being with others seems to point out my need.

I look for answers and stability and yet I am just too tired to do much thinking and feeling.

I know that you understand but I need to tell you about it just to make sure, for I will strive to create new directions for my life even though that takes time.

I give myself permission to change in the way I think best and not box myself in with the expectations of others, to learn to be my own person, and not forever to live in the past.

I will not discount my feelings, ask my friends to choose sides, use my children as spies and make commitments I cannot keep.

But I will grieve over a marriage that has died, allow my pain to motivate my growth, rediscover myself and what is unique about me.

I will attempt to make this divorce a creative rather than a destructive force in my life.

It will take time, because I live in a world of ambivalence.

Author unknown

Ours wasn't a fair or free or on YouTube

Divorce Help in West London

The Divorce Coach 'How to Successfully Split' first half day divorce workshop with divorce experts took place at the same time as the very first Vienna Divorce Fair on 27 October 2007. Like the Vienna fair, it stemmed from our desire to satisfy a similar need for inexpensive and useful information for people being divorced, driving the divorce or separating.

Ours wasn't a fair (it's an informal but professional workshop) or free (at just £45) or on YouTube (we respect confidentiality!) or even in Vienna (being in London) but we are repeating it this Saturday 19 January and on 23 February and then at least monthly in South and West London. This is what an attendee said:

'The workshop made me feel far more positive. When I arrived I felt as if I was going to a funeral; when I left I felt a lot more optimistic.'

You can read more here and book on-line.

Financial Divorce Help in London - last places

Inspirational divorce workshops where people can learn in a cost and time-effective manner

Following valuable feedback from our attendees at our October workshop, we are piloting a How to Successfully Split the Finances workshop in W London (Hampton, Middlesex) on 19 January (pm) for the first ten applicants and running it again in the afternoon of 23 February. We'll be going into greater detail about the financial side of divorce with the help of financial and divorce experts and inviting questions from attendees in advance designed to help them see how they can best tackle this area of divorce, often considered the most difficult.

Click here for details of the workshop and book on-line now for the last places available.

Here's what one of the attendees said:

'The workshop made me feel far more positive. When I arrived I felt as if I was going to a funeral; when I left I felt a lot more optimistic.'

Kirsten Gronning The Divorce Coach

t: +44 (0)208 1239046

The Divorce Coach January newsletter

The Divorce Market

Avoid divorce if you can - divorce is never easy - Jane Craig of Manches, solicitors

With January being the prime time for people to do something about unhappy marriages and relationships, the papers are full of divorce related articles. A divorce expert I was speaking to before Christmas referred to this month as the 'divorce season' and I like that, it gives a touch of lightness to what must be a grim time for many.

There was an article in the Guardian on Saturday by lawyer Jane Craig of Manches  - one of the better articles I've read  - which gives some good tips from a lawyer who has been at the forefront of constructive divorce and conciliation.

I have to say, though, I've never heard anyone say 'Oh, divorce these days is so easy' but then my clients don't have the resources to pay £450 for legal bills either!